MMT

well...i'm in this place again. i want nothing more than to curl up in a ball and hide. and not come out until all of the fat is gone. i want to cry real tears and feel real pain, and i want time to stand still around me. i'm still questioning myself as to why i'm leaving. why i don't just stay here and go to school. why i don't try to make friends instead of going back to the old ones. i know things won't be the same when i get back. it's like when i came back here wanting to return to the past. things change. people change. the saying goes, "you can never go home again." but then again, it also goes "you have to go home to leave home." ugh.part of me wants to go back to florida. starve. exercise. come back here thin and fragile. i try to examine what it is...to dig deeper and find out why i want it so bad. but there's something that i'm scared to find. something hidden. and there's a reason it's hidden. i'm sure of that. but...?and then the navy. i still want it, but i can't think about it now. i have too much else on my plate, so to speak.i talked to kim and the new guy jim for a while tonight. i wish i could spend more time with kim. :o( anyway, i need to go to sleep...i've been taking my metabolife and trying not to eat as much. but tomorrow, i'm going to up the pills and cut the intake. i'm gross and fat, and almost back to my starting weight. yuck.g'night

MMT

just wanted to post a quick entry w/ my new user pic. ugh. a lady i work with called me fat today... :o(

MMT

I WAS A HAPPY CHILDlucky you. you were what every child should be.carefree. optimistic. and happy.what kind of child were you?(brought you by april)I WAS A SWEET CHILDyou're parents were lucky with you. you're sweet.innocent. helpful. and cute.what kind of child were you?(brought you by april)

MMT

Where to begin...Well, one thing I forgot to post on Friday was that at work on Friday afternoon, my knee doctor in Florida faxed over an order for me to have a knee xray at work so he could verify the placement of the screw he's going to remove on October 16. Anyway, I was laying on the table having my xray and the tech looked at my ankle and said, "Oh, what do you have, a tattoo or a note or something?" And I freaked and said, "Uh, yeah." Thank God she left it at that because printed on my left ankle in sharpie pen are the words "QUOD ME NUTRIT ME DESTRUIT."Anyway...On Friday night, I decided that I couldn't let this out-of-control behavior go on any longer, and I took a metabolife thinking that it would make me less hungry at breakfast and make it easier to wake up in the morning because of the caffeine. Well, I went to bed at 1am, and around 5am, I was wide awake. Actually, it was probably earlier because I tried really hard to get back to sleep but I couldn't, and I finally got out of bed at 5am. So...I took a shower and packed for my cousin's wedding, and then decided to go to work and see if there was any filing or anything to do. I got to work a little after 6:30am, and there really wasn't much to do, so I finished up what I could in less than 20 minutes, and then went in the back to say hi to Kim. I ended up leaving work at 10:40am and rushing to get to my grandmother's house. Kim and I talked about everything, and I really enjoyed her company. She's the nicest person, and it always makes me feel a little better to talk to her. I need to get a card to give to her when I leave.So, I got to my grandmother's house around 11am, and we didn't end up leaving until 12:30pm, and then we stopped about 20 minutes into the trip to eat lunch, and finally got to the Cape and checked into the condo around 4pm. My aunt and grandmother went to the rehearsal dinner and my two cousins and I went to the grocery store, took a nap, and then went out to dinner. I got chicken broccoli alfredo but I only ate about 1/2 cup of pasta and no chicken or broccoli because the pills make food repulsive to me (yeah!). Anyway, we got 2 pints of ice cream for that night, and I only had one scoop of each flavor while we were watching "Legally Blonde." All in all, I had a pretty good food weekend.This morning, we went to breakfast, and then back to the condo to take showers and get ready for the wedding. The wedding started at 1:30pm, and it was really good except for the fact that there were a lot of people and it was outside, and they didn't use a microphone, so we got to watch the wedding, but couldn't hear it. Also, it was at lunch time, and they had crackers, cheese, shrimp, strawberries and an open bar, and it was at lunch time...so everyone was starving and drunk. LOL. I don't think it's smart to give people unlimited alcohol and no food. But, it was really cool to see all of my family again...some people I haven't seen since I was a baby, some for 10 years...so, yeah, it was cool. And my God-mother was there. I haven't seen her since 1992 (I think she was at my dad's funeral in '95 but I don't remember seeing her). I wish I had more time to spend catching up with her. She said she'll be at the Cape until next Monday (they live in San Francisco) but I don't know if I really want to drive there and back in one day (at least 5 hours, maybe more).Also, I was kind of freaked out being surrounded by people that looked like my dad. Actually, I kind of wanted to scream and run, but I just pretended I was fine. All of his brothers and sisters (mostly my God-mother) look just like him. And it makes me really sad, and it's just a weird feeling to see someone who's gone in someone else.Well, I need to get to bed. It's only 9:30pm, but I'm exhausted. I'll write more tomorrow. And on a good note, I'm working with Kim on Tuesday and Wednesday. :o)

MMT

three-minute group showers at navy basic training is total motivation to lose weight and get in shape.

MMT

I've totally lost control. Lost myself. Lost everything I had worked for. I was losing weight. Now I'm almost back where I started. Tonight, on the way home from work, I was thinking about how I'm leaving for the Navy and leaving Massachusetts, and it occured to me that this may be the last time I get to see my grandmother. My only direct living connection to the Dad I lost. She's 90. And her health is failing. And then I bawled. Cried so hard I could barely see through my tears. And I didn't want to go home like that so I went to the grocery store and walked around for an hour, and bought pens (I have a pen fetish) - 10 packs for $1 each. This is the first time I've cried in a long time. I can't remember the last time. I'm going to go take a pill now - a metabolife. And then I'm going to go to bed. I have to be up by 7:30am to pack for my cousin's wedding, then go to work and finish what was left undone tonight, and maybe talk to Kim for a while. Then I have to be at my grandmother's by 10:45 to leave for Cape Cod. Tonight was Don's last night at work. He was one of my favorite MRI techs, and it was weird to say goodbye to him and think that with him leaving and me leaving, there's a good chance that I'll NEVER see him again. That's just weird. And it kind of freaks me out. I hope he'll remember me...I know I'll remember him. He always called me Miss Kelly, and he told me how much he liked working with me. :o) You know, the last time I felt this sad about never seeing people again was when I left ED treatment. And I would do anything to be back in touch with some of them. Anyway, I'm depressing myself. Pills and then bed. G'night.

MMT

Hmmm...I downloaded Semagic instead of the normal LJ updating tool, and I just need to share that it's awesome. But, I'm going to sleep now, so no more playing tonight. Also, I NEED TO GET BACK ON TRACK. I don't know what it's going to take, but I can't live like this anymore. I'm joining the Navy, so I need to be motivated. I need to eat well, and exercise, and get in shape, and...GET IN CONTROL OF MYSELF! I'm so sick of tomorrow's the never come. I will do this if it's the last thing I do. Grrr.G'night.

MMT

I'M JOINING THE NAVY!THE NAVY. ACCELERATE YOUR LIFE.Okay. I've been wrestling myself over what to do about the Navy for weeks now, and I just wasn't coming to a conclusion. So, I told myself that I would just kind of wait it out and see how it goes, but then thinisbest decided that she wanted to go into the Navy, too. And that totally made up my mind. I mean, the Navy is the perfect way for me to (a) get experience in the computer field, (b) pay off my debt and build up good credit, (c) travel the world for free, (d) figure out who I am and what I want to do with my life, (e) experience new things and meet new people, (e) get in shape and over my eating disorder, and (f) have fun. I mean, why not? I missed out on the high school excitement, the college dorm-life, and now I'm thinking about doing something for ME! I am. And I'm excited. And I'm not going to let anyone ruin this for me.Mandie and I are going to go to Boot Camp together sometime around the 1st of the year. Anyone want to join us???

MMT

OKAY, this is kind of a weird request, but does anyone know where I can find the top 10 songs in each category (i.e. rap, hip hop, country, etc.) because i need to make cd's for people to listen to while they're having an mri and work...and i don't know what songs to use. i gotta make one cd for each genre.

MMT

QUOD ME NUTRUIT ME DESTRUIT

MMT

QUOD ME NUTRUIT ME DESTRUIT

MMT

I gave my notice at work - I only have three weeks left.I bought Jen's plane ticket - she's really coming up.I'm moving back to Florida in 28 days - I'll get there October 13.I'm questioning myself - I always do.I'm going to miss it here - but I'm needed there.I hope I'm doing the right thing - I hope I don't regret this.I wonder if the Navy's right - or if I should go to BCC then UMASS.I wish I knew. This seems too unsure.I'm excited - and scared - and ready to put my life together. Finally.post a comment

MMT

I'M A BULIMICi had to say that. i had to see it written down. i had to admit to myself how really out of control i am. i know that when i eat in private...and stuff the food into my mouth that it's still bingeing. that i am still soaking up the calories. my eating disorder has become a shocking reality these last few weeks. it's really hit me how addicted to food i am. it's no longer just eating too much, or not eating enough, it's a problem and i can't stop. i know i need help. maybe even inpatient. i think if someone on the outside was in charge, they would tell me i needed more that just counseling. i wish i could get control. why can't i go the other direction and starve? it's just as bad a feeling as being this full all the time.

MMT

my brother went to court this morning and was continued until october 9.i didn't do anything special for 9/11, although i kind of feel guilty for not.i talked to jack last night on the phone...i can't wait to see him.my thoughts are really really jumbled. i'm tired and it's late, and i'm fighting sleep.also, i am really hoping mandie will do the navy thing with me. that would rock.i just completely reformatted my hard drive and lost everything. on purpose. and i'm reading an awesome book about boot camp. it's completely honest, and i don't want to put it down.i think i'll post tomorrow when i can organize this better.g'night.

i copied t...

i copied this off amazon.comDon't GoMommy please don't go to work today,I don't feel right, you have to stay.Honey, you know that I have to go,There's no way around it, the money is low.I'll try to call you on my lunch break,Take some aspirin if your tummy starts to ache.Okay, Mommy, I'll miss you lots,Please tell me I'll be in your thoughts.Don't worry, baby, you will be,Just rest here and wait for me.And that was when she left her little son,With no idea of the importance in 9-1-1.She stepped into her office on the 92nd floor,Not knowing she would witness a horrible act of war.After she was at work for almost an hour,A hijacked airplane crashed into the tower.She ran down the stairs as fast as she could,But realized that it would do no good.The building was collapsing on top of her,She tried to get out, but it was all a blur. Soon she couldn't breathe from all the dust,But she thought of her son, keep going, she must.She screamed for help, but her cry was ignored.She thought of her son, and prayed to the lord.She tried to hang on, but it was just too much.She prayed for her son, just one last touch.She and thousands of others were later found dead.People across the nation were hurt, countless tears were shed.Whoever did this should be haunted with shame.The great New York City will never be the same.A shattered city is all that is left behind.These acts of hatred have left us blind.Too blind to see what the world would be,With peace and love and all people free.Mommy please, please don't go.If only she listened to her little hero.

MMT

eat nothing.pills.raspberries.maybe yogurt.water load.be thin.

MMT

I'm fighting a losing battle with myself. I want to be over the ED, but I want to be rail thin, and I know I can't have both. I want people to look at me and say, "OMG - she's sooo skinny." But, in reality I know that will never happen.Also, I've been thinking about this a lot, but I never post about it because I sound crazy, but I really really really want to have a baby. More than anything...even more than my ED. I thought it was a phase, but the feeling has only gotten stronger. I don't know what to do. I've had names and a theme picked out forever, and I really want to do this. Only problem...no man. :o( But I'm about to go insane and do whatever I have to do (just kidding...not there quite yet).Well, I have a ton of errands to run and I have to get ready for work. I'll write more later. Ciao.

MMT

Disorder RatingParanoid: ModerateSchizoid: LowSchizotypal: HighAntisocial: LowBorderline: ModerateHistrionic: HighNarcissistic: ModerateAvoidant: Very HighDependent: Very HighObsessive-Compulsive: High-- Click Here To Take The Test --

MMT

I've had such an emotional day, and I'm worn out. I worked with Kim today. She's awesome, and I can relate to her on a lot of things, which is kinda nice since I don't have many friends up here. Anyway, we talked for most of the night and I didn't get any work done (which means I have to spend my Saturday at work and I don't even get paid for it) and then after Carmen left, I went and sat in MRI with Kim and we started talking about dead people and seeing dead bodies and then got on the topic of our dads. Her dad died of cancer. Mine died in a motorcycle accident. Anyway, we talked for about an hour and a half and it was so good to be able to talk about it. She was so open with me and it made me feel good because (a) she trusted me, and (b) I could relate to and understand everything she said, and she could do the same with me. At the end of the conversation, we were talking about how the oldest child has to take on a lot of responsibilty and I said "Yeah, I did have to grow up fast" and she said "But you turned out alright, Kel" and that just made me feel really good. First off, it always makes me feel good when people call me Kel, because it usually means they're a friend, or at least consider themselves to be one. Rarely do people call strangers by their nicknames. And it also made me feel like she liked me. It always makes me feel good when I feel like people like me, rather than just tolerating me. When we left work, I cried. And when she got off the exit to go to her house, my heart sank. Not because I didn't want her to go home, but because I won't see her again until next week and I wanted to talk more. I could have talked all night. But then she was gone, and the ED kicked back in. And I came home and ate. Binged. And now I'm so full I'm sick. And I want to be sick. But, I don't feel anything. Nothing. Numb. I hate this. I just want to be thin. I'm so sick of trying and failing. Reaching and falling short. I need to get on track and go. This needs to be it.

MMT

Hi. I'm new, but not really. Actually, I've been posting here for a while under another LJ name, but too many people found out and I was sick of hearing how I just needed to get over my ED. So, I created a new journal so I could talk about my ED without being criticized, and here I am.My current stats are :o( 5'3" 155 lbs. and trying desperately to lose. It just seems like I'm eating constantly, trying to avoid the pain and feelings that I don't even know the root of. I've never been free from my ED for long enough to find out. I'm stuck, and all I want is to be thin. Is that too much to ask?I'm really going to try tomorrow. But it's always tomorrow, and I always say just one more day. This needs to be it. If I don't get control, it's going to kill me.

i have ...

i have decided that i can't live like this anymore.the navy is a good opportunity and as of right now, i'm going to go for it.i need to be thin and in shape. i don't care if it takes pills, fasting, dieting, purging...i just need to get there. now.i am going to set a goal. right now, i feel like i'm around 165 but in reality i'm probably about 153-155.my goal for next monday is 140. i know it can be done.and i will do it.no more excuses. this is it.btw - i saw this girl on the boat on my way to my grandfather's last night and she was so thin and you could see the bones in her face and back and she had the prettiest skinny fingers. omg. but, she looked so sad, and she was sitting on the floor of the ferry curled into a ball, and i kinda felt bad for her, while at the same time i was thinking how i wished i could curl up that small...anyway, i just wanted to share that because we kept looking at each other and it was like in some way we were telling each other "i know how it feels" but then i was thinking that she was probably looking at me thinking 'omg, i'm ana because i never want to look like that.' argh.

this is t...

this is the better part of a letter i wrote to my mom. it pretty much sums up everything that i don't feel like typing twice. i'm worn out from thinking about it:i've done a lot of thinking today, and i kind of feel like i'm rushing into a decision that i shouldn't be rushing into. when i first started thinking about the navy, it seemed like the best idea: a great computer program, money for college, seeing the world. but then i started thinking about the reasons why i wanted to go, and i think it pretty much came down to (a) being able to pay off my debt all at once, and (b) finally making a decision that everyone approved of. and when i really stopped to think about it, it just seemed wrong to go in for those reasons. and then i was thinking about coming back to florida, and i started thinking about how bad i had wanted to come back here since we left in '92, and how i had always dreamed of going to umass, and then i asked myself what my real reasons for wanting to come back were. i think that i feel like i need to be there for dana, and val, and shea, and to be near the family, but i don't think those are the right reasons either. i moved to atlanta back in '00 and then came back to florida. i only came back to florida because at the time i couldn't afford to move up here. but, when i was in florida, i wasn't happy, and i wanted to leave. it just doesn't seem right that after all the effort i put into moving up here, that i would just turn around and come back. and i'm scared that coming back to florida will only make me realize that i made a mistake in doing so. i spent a long time on the phone tonight between stephanie and elizabeth bouncing things off both of them, and i even though it was good to talk to them, i know that it comes down to a decision that i have to make and that no one can make for me. if i went to quinsig and got my aa degree, i would be guaranteed admission to umass. and i'm almost half way through my aa degree right now. i qualify for enough financial aid that my grants cover school and books and my va money is basically pocket money, and if i could manage my money a little better, this could more than pay off my debt within one semester. christian's roommate just finished building a house and has offered christian the second floor apartment which is bigger than the one we live in now. if he took it, that would mean i could take over this apartment for $500/month, and if i managed my money, i could easily afford it. what i want most is to live in one place for longer than 6 months, to have a place of my own where the things in it belong to me and i'm not sitting on someone else's couch every time i watch tv, and to get my debt paid off and some kind of degree, even if it's only an aa. at the same time, i feel like the navy would be an awesome opportunity and part of me feels like i should just stick with the original plan, come back to florida in october, go to boot camp in january, etc. but, i don't know if that's right for me, at least at this time. maybe i should stay here and go to school, get my aa, get everything paid off, and then go into the navy when i can go as an officer rather than an enlisted, if that's still what i want to do. i don't know. but i do know that i really feel like i'm rushing into things too fast, and i feel like i need some time to think. if i give my notice at work now, i have to leave, and even if i stay up here, i'll have to find another job. well, those are just my thoughts tonight. i've had a crazy day and i've been thinking about all of this. and i guess my biggest thing is that i feel like no matter what decision i make, i'm letting someone down. if i do decide to stay, though, it doesn't mean the navy is out, it just means i'm postponing it until i get my life in order, rather than using it as a way to get my life in order.

AHTDF

i am going to try to start posting this again every day to keep me accountable.15434%:o(i need to get back on track. i know i can do it.

AHTDF

It's been weeks since I've written anything, but I always end up posting the same thing: I'm sick of living like this, I can't face myself, I want to be thin. But then again, what else is there? I feel like I'm caught in this whirlwind spiral. I say I want to get over my ED, and I think I want to mean it, but I can't stop thinking this way. I know I'm sick. I want to go into the Navy so bad, but I just don't know. I don't know because I feel like my world is crumbling. I feel like my ED is out of control and I'll never be away from it. I tried taking a break from LJ, but LJ is my support. No one else understands. I don't know if I can ever beat this. I've tried everything from packing my own lunches, to fasting, to diet pills, and back again. Nothing works. I think I might give in and call a therapist. Maybe the nice one I saw when I first got up here. I should have kepy seeing her, but I didn't ever go back because I didn't want to admit that I needed to be there. I think her name was Emily. And I think I'll go there before work tomorrow and talk to her receptionist. Maybe she'll see me again. I think she'll understand. Argh. I wish there was someone online to talk to. I really wish there was. I wish for anything that could save me from myself.