MMT

I'm fighting a losing battle with myself. I want to be over the ED, but I want to be rail thin, and I know I can't have both. I want people to look at me and say, "OMG - she's sooo skinny." But, in reality I know that will never happen.Also, I've been thinking about this a lot, but I never post about it because I sound crazy, but I really really really want to have a baby. More than anything...even more than my ED. I thought it was a phase, but the feeling has only gotten stronger. I don't know what to do. I've had names and a theme picked out forever, and I really want to do this. Only problem...no man. :o( But I'm about to go insane and do whatever I have to do (just kidding...not there quite yet).Well, I have a ton of errands to run and I have to get ready for work. I'll write more later. Ciao.

MMT

Disorder RatingParanoid: ModerateSchizoid: LowSchizotypal: HighAntisocial: LowBorderline: ModerateHistrionic: HighNarcissistic: ModerateAvoidant: Very HighDependent: Very HighObsessive-Compulsive: High-- Click Here To Take The Test --

MMT

I've had such an emotional day, and I'm worn out. I worked with Kim today. She's awesome, and I can relate to her on a lot of things, which is kinda nice since I don't have many friends up here. Anyway, we talked for most of the night and I didn't get any work done (which means I have to spend my Saturday at work and I don't even get paid for it) and then after Carmen left, I went and sat in MRI with Kim and we started talking about dead people and seeing dead bodies and then got on the topic of our dads. Her dad died of cancer. Mine died in a motorcycle accident. Anyway, we talked for about an hour and a half and it was so good to be able to talk about it. She was so open with me and it made me feel good because (a) she trusted me, and (b) I could relate to and understand everything she said, and she could do the same with me. At the end of the conversation, we were talking about how the oldest child has to take on a lot of responsibilty and I said "Yeah, I did have to grow up fast" and she said "But you turned out alright, Kel" and that just made me feel really good. First off, it always makes me feel good when people call me Kel, because it usually means they're a friend, or at least consider themselves to be one. Rarely do people call strangers by their nicknames. And it also made me feel like she liked me. It always makes me feel good when I feel like people like me, rather than just tolerating me. When we left work, I cried. And when she got off the exit to go to her house, my heart sank. Not because I didn't want her to go home, but because I won't see her again until next week and I wanted to talk more. I could have talked all night. But then she was gone, and the ED kicked back in. And I came home and ate. Binged. And now I'm so full I'm sick. And I want to be sick. But, I don't feel anything. Nothing. Numb. I hate this. I just want to be thin. I'm so sick of trying and failing. Reaching and falling short. I need to get on track and go. This needs to be it.

MMT

Hi. I'm new, but not really. Actually, I've been posting here for a while under another LJ name, but too many people found out and I was sick of hearing how I just needed to get over my ED. So, I created a new journal so I could talk about my ED without being criticized, and here I am.My current stats are :o( 5'3" 155 lbs. and trying desperately to lose. It just seems like I'm eating constantly, trying to avoid the pain and feelings that I don't even know the root of. I've never been free from my ED for long enough to find out. I'm stuck, and all I want is to be thin. Is that too much to ask?I'm really going to try tomorrow. But it's always tomorrow, and I always say just one more day. This needs to be it. If I don't get control, it's going to kill me.

i have ...

i have decided that i can't live like this anymore.the navy is a good opportunity and as of right now, i'm going to go for it.i need to be thin and in shape. i don't care if it takes pills, fasting, dieting, purging...i just need to get there. now.i am going to set a goal. right now, i feel like i'm around 165 but in reality i'm probably about 153-155.my goal for next monday is 140. i know it can be done.and i will do it.no more excuses. this is it.btw - i saw this girl on the boat on my way to my grandfather's last night and she was so thin and you could see the bones in her face and back and she had the prettiest skinny fingers. omg. but, she looked so sad, and she was sitting on the floor of the ferry curled into a ball, and i kinda felt bad for her, while at the same time i was thinking how i wished i could curl up that small...anyway, i just wanted to share that because we kept looking at each other and it was like in some way we were telling each other "i know how it feels" but then i was thinking that she was probably looking at me thinking 'omg, i'm ana because i never want to look like that.' argh.

this is t...

this is the better part of a letter i wrote to my mom. it pretty much sums up everything that i don't feel like typing twice. i'm worn out from thinking about it:i've done a lot of thinking today, and i kind of feel like i'm rushing into a decision that i shouldn't be rushing into. when i first started thinking about the navy, it seemed like the best idea: a great computer program, money for college, seeing the world. but then i started thinking about the reasons why i wanted to go, and i think it pretty much came down to (a) being able to pay off my debt all at once, and (b) finally making a decision that everyone approved of. and when i really stopped to think about it, it just seemed wrong to go in for those reasons. and then i was thinking about coming back to florida, and i started thinking about how bad i had wanted to come back here since we left in '92, and how i had always dreamed of going to umass, and then i asked myself what my real reasons for wanting to come back were. i think that i feel like i need to be there for dana, and val, and shea, and to be near the family, but i don't think those are the right reasons either. i moved to atlanta back in '00 and then came back to florida. i only came back to florida because at the time i couldn't afford to move up here. but, when i was in florida, i wasn't happy, and i wanted to leave. it just doesn't seem right that after all the effort i put into moving up here, that i would just turn around and come back. and i'm scared that coming back to florida will only make me realize that i made a mistake in doing so. i spent a long time on the phone tonight between stephanie and elizabeth bouncing things off both of them, and i even though it was good to talk to them, i know that it comes down to a decision that i have to make and that no one can make for me. if i went to quinsig and got my aa degree, i would be guaranteed admission to umass. and i'm almost half way through my aa degree right now. i qualify for enough financial aid that my grants cover school and books and my va money is basically pocket money, and if i could manage my money a little better, this could more than pay off my debt within one semester. christian's roommate just finished building a house and has offered christian the second floor apartment which is bigger than the one we live in now. if he took it, that would mean i could take over this apartment for $500/month, and if i managed my money, i could easily afford it. what i want most is to live in one place for longer than 6 months, to have a place of my own where the things in it belong to me and i'm not sitting on someone else's couch every time i watch tv, and to get my debt paid off and some kind of degree, even if it's only an aa. at the same time, i feel like the navy would be an awesome opportunity and part of me feels like i should just stick with the original plan, come back to florida in october, go to boot camp in january, etc. but, i don't know if that's right for me, at least at this time. maybe i should stay here and go to school, get my aa, get everything paid off, and then go into the navy when i can go as an officer rather than an enlisted, if that's still what i want to do. i don't know. but i do know that i really feel like i'm rushing into things too fast, and i feel like i need some time to think. if i give my notice at work now, i have to leave, and even if i stay up here, i'll have to find another job. well, those are just my thoughts tonight. i've had a crazy day and i've been thinking about all of this. and i guess my biggest thing is that i feel like no matter what decision i make, i'm letting someone down. if i do decide to stay, though, it doesn't mean the navy is out, it just means i'm postponing it until i get my life in order, rather than using it as a way to get my life in order.

AHTDF

i am going to try to start posting this again every day to keep me accountable.15434%:o(i need to get back on track. i know i can do it.