this is t...

this is the better part of a letter i wrote to my mom. it pretty much sums up everything that i don't feel like typing twice. i'm worn out from thinking about it:i've done a lot of thinking today, and i kind of feel like i'm rushing into a decision that i shouldn't be rushing into. when i first started thinking about the navy, it seemed like the best idea: a great computer program, money for college, seeing the world. but then i started thinking about the reasons why i wanted to go, and i think it pretty much came down to (a) being able to pay off my debt all at once, and (b) finally making a decision that everyone approved of. and when i really stopped to think about it, it just seemed wrong to go in for those reasons. and then i was thinking about coming back to florida, and i started thinking about how bad i had wanted to come back here since we left in '92, and how i had always dreamed of going to umass, and then i asked myself what my real reasons for wanting to come back were. i think that i feel like i need to be there for dana, and val, and shea, and to be near the family, but i don't think those are the right reasons either. i moved to atlanta back in '00 and then came back to florida. i only came back to florida because at the time i couldn't afford to move up here. but, when i was in florida, i wasn't happy, and i wanted to leave. it just doesn't seem right that after all the effort i put into moving up here, that i would just turn around and come back. and i'm scared that coming back to florida will only make me realize that i made a mistake in doing so. i spent a long time on the phone tonight between stephanie and elizabeth bouncing things off both of them, and i even though it was good to talk to them, i know that it comes down to a decision that i have to make and that no one can make for me. if i went to quinsig and got my aa degree, i would be guaranteed admission to umass. and i'm almost half way through my aa degree right now. i qualify for enough financial aid that my grants cover school and books and my va money is basically pocket money, and if i could manage my money a little better, this could more than pay off my debt within one semester. christian's roommate just finished building a house and has offered christian the second floor apartment which is bigger than the one we live in now. if he took it, that would mean i could take over this apartment for $500/month, and if i managed my money, i could easily afford it. what i want most is to live in one place for longer than 6 months, to have a place of my own where the things in it belong to me and i'm not sitting on someone else's couch every time i watch tv, and to get my debt paid off and some kind of degree, even if it's only an aa. at the same time, i feel like the navy would be an awesome opportunity and part of me feels like i should just stick with the original plan, come back to florida in october, go to boot camp in january, etc. but, i don't know if that's right for me, at least at this time. maybe i should stay here and go to school, get my aa, get everything paid off, and then go into the navy when i can go as an officer rather than an enlisted, if that's still what i want to do. i don't know. but i do know that i really feel like i'm rushing into things too fast, and i feel like i need some time to think. if i give my notice at work now, i have to leave, and even if i stay up here, i'll have to find another job. well, those are just my thoughts tonight. i've had a crazy day and i've been thinking about all of this. and i guess my biggest thing is that i feel like no matter what decision i make, i'm letting someone down. if i do decide to stay, though, it doesn't mean the navy is out, it just means i'm postponing it until i get my life in order, rather than using it as a way to get my life in order.