MMT

I've had such an emotional day, and I'm worn out. I worked with Kim today. She's awesome, and I can relate to her on a lot of things, which is kinda nice since I don't have many friends up here. Anyway, we talked for most of the night and I didn't get any work done (which means I have to spend my Saturday at work and I don't even get paid for it) and then after Carmen left, I went and sat in MRI with Kim and we started talking about dead people and seeing dead bodies and then got on the topic of our dads. Her dad died of cancer. Mine died in a motorcycle accident. Anyway, we talked for about an hour and a half and it was so good to be able to talk about it. She was so open with me and it made me feel good because (a) she trusted me, and (b) I could relate to and understand everything she said, and she could do the same with me. At the end of the conversation, we were talking about how the oldest child has to take on a lot of responsibilty and I said "Yeah, I did have to grow up fast" and she said "But you turned out alright, Kel" and that just made me feel really good. First off, it always makes me feel good when people call me Kel, because it usually means they're a friend, or at least consider themselves to be one. Rarely do people call strangers by their nicknames. And it also made me feel like she liked me. It always makes me feel good when I feel like people like me, rather than just tolerating me. When we left work, I cried. And when she got off the exit to go to her house, my heart sank. Not because I didn't want her to go home, but because I won't see her again until next week and I wanted to talk more. I could have talked all night. But then she was gone, and the ED kicked back in. And I came home and ate. Binged. And now I'm so full I'm sick. And I want to be sick. But, I don't feel anything. Nothing. Numb. I hate this. I just want to be thin. I'm so sick of trying and failing. Reaching and falling short. I need to get on track and go. This needs to be it.